A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pain.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised.".....
lol! Good one, CK.
An Interview With An 80-year-old Woman
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the 4th time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married 4 men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go.'
When You Are Retired
> Working people frequently ask retired people
> what they do to make their days interesting.
> Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was
> only there for about 5
> minutes, and when I
> came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him,
> "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me
> and continued
> writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and wrote
> another ticket for having
> worn tires. So I called him a doughnut eating Gestapo. He finished the
> second ticket and
> put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.
> This went on for about
> 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
> Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that
> he
> was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Obama in 08'.
> I try to have a little fun each day now
> that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
Sorry, my dad has been loading my email with these. I just thought I would share.
Hummer & Clyde ( West Virginia mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Clyde ,¢ but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,¢ and walked away.
Clyde shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
Clyde and Hummer are currently working for the government.
Bull **** and Brilliance
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says..
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.